X encounter...

My ex and I have been apart for a couple months now. I have gone through a few phases... I went from 'fukk it - I am better off', to 'kinda nostalgic'... to 'it is what it is - so just deal with it nigga.' I wish I was the type of cat that could just turn emotion off, but I am not that negro.

Don't get me wrong, I am not sitting alone in a dark corner anywhere listening to suicidal Toni Braxton 'Unbreak my heart' type songs. Life goes on. But, I am not really pressed to date despite various viable opportunities to do so lately. I think after being so emotionally drained, I need to refill before I get myself involved in something else.

So last weekend, I go out with my brother to a club that was so crowded that we couldn't get in. But since I knew the girl at the door, she let me pop in real quick to check it out before we all bounced out to the next spot. I get in, and kinda randomly peruse the place just checking it out. I get upstairs, and stand at the top of the steps for a few minutes just scanning the room not really focusing on any faces in particular, until I scan past a familiar face staring back at me. I glance back, and it was my ex looking directly back at me.

A million thoughts ran through my head, and were probably transparent on my face. What are you doing here? I wasn't expecting to see you... How does this work? Do I go over and say whats up? Do I act casually? Do I act as if I dont see you and bounce? It took me a minute to realize that I was standing there frozen and looking stupid... so I HAD to go say something.

I walked over. We hugged warmly for a few minutes, made small talk for a few minutes, then kinda stood side by side facing forward... looking out at a sea of dancing gyrating bodies moving in time with the reggae music. It was only for maybe 5 or 10 minutes, but it seemed like an eternity. Not just the time, but the distance between us, despite standing literally a foot apart. The longer we stood there ignoring each other, the more awkward it became, so I just gave a parting hug, and left onto the next venue as planned. Aside from the initial hesitance, I managed to maintain my cool.

I dont think I want to get back together, but I dont think that I am over it yet either. I think that prior to that night, if an effort was made to rekindle the relationship, I would have been open to it. But after that night, it was painfully clear that it was indeed over. And while it was an awkward experience, it was a necessary one.

I am gonna just take some time to hang out and just do me for a while. In the past 5 years, I have been in 4 relationships, each just about a year long, some shorter some longer (not including the off-and-on relationship that pretty much filled the gaps for 5 years...) I dont think that is healthy. So taking time out to focus on me is definitely a good thing to try to break this cycle of serial monogamy.

The one thing that kinda salvaged the unexpected encounter was that I was AT LEAST looking good that night... lol HOW MUCH MORE MISERABLE would that have been had I showed up looking all disheveled and sloppy?!?!? lol Leave it to my vanity to find the one salvageable element in all of this. I have a rule about always looking good when I run into my ex's. May seem silly, but I never want to look like my life fell apart after a break up, no matter how difficult a break up is. So... mission accomplished. This year has been about change, and growth. This experience was definitely one to grow on.

Comments

Here is a little something I wrote a few years ago. Break ups can be difficult but spending quality time with yourself is paramount to begin the healing process.

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We want to travel baggage-free on this journey
It makes the trip easier

Some of the baggage we can let go of is lingering feelings and unfinished business with past relationships:
anger
resentments
feelings of victimization, hurt or longing

If we have not put closure on a relationship,
If we cannot walk away in peace,
We have not yet learned our lesson
That may mean we will have to have another go-around with that lesson before we are ready to move on.

We may want to write an inventory of our relationships, and
an admission of our wrongs.
What feelings did we leave with a particular relationship?
Are we still carrying those feelings around?
Do we want the heaviness and impact of that baggage on our behaviour today?

Are we still feeling victimized, rejected or bitter about something that happened two, five, ten or even twenty years ago?

It maybe time to let go.
It maybe time to open oursleves to the true lessons from that experience
It maybe time to put past relationships to rest,
So we are free to go on to new, more rewarding experiences

We can choose to live to the past
Or we can choose to finish our old business from the past and open ourselves to the beauty of today

Today, I will open myself to the cleansing and healing process,
that will put closure on yesterday
And open me to the best today,
And tomorrow, has to offer in my relatonships
aNt 5.1.04

[Bgrits]

Nice poem Prodigal!!! Can totally identify with the post and yes it does make you feel better when you know you are looking good when you see the ex!

[Andre]

No matter how much you love of care for an ex seeing them for the first time after you guys have broken up is always hard.

[clay]

four relationships in five years? yeah, that is kind of heavy ... i'll leave you with this ... "Ive been looking for a savior in these dirty streets,
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets,
Ive been raising up my hands- drive another nail in ... Just what God needs, one more victim -- Why do we crucify ourselves? Everyday I crucify myself, nothing I do is good enough for you
... and my heart is sick of being in chains."

[rocka]

We have all been here before, but it's great you looked hot...

But in the future, you should make friends with a really hot person after a breakup... someone like me... and bring them around with you to clubs and shit... so when u run into the ex, they are jealous.. Now that works...

[Nikki]

It's always uneasy running into an ex after a breakup. But I agree, some time quality time with yourself is needed. That's quite a bit of relationshipd over the past couple of years.

[luvinme]

It's good when you can sit back...take a look at what's going on in your life...learn from your experiences...and grow.

[Rodney]

Yes Lawd! It's not good to see the ex when looking not so good.

I hated my periods of of being single until I discovered that I needed the time to evaluate what had happened and what part I played in the break up. It all became clear when I realized that I needed to stop "dressing up" for the new date. What I mean is that I began to lay myself bare, including all the crazy things about myself that I would supress for the sake of this new person in my life. What I realized is that I am who I am and if those crazy things are surely a part of me, they are going to surface eventually. Why not let them fly in the beginning to see if dude has the stomach for it.

Happily it paid off and we're going on 2 years! Sure, we're both crazy as hell and get on each other's nerves at times, but we knew we were crazy going in and it makes those times when we can't stand each other pass quicker.

['ka]

i totally understand about the awkwardness feeling... just happened to me very recently. but then.. it's all good :)

[Mz_Hustl3r]

Is it better to have loved than not to love at all? Either way ur a very attrative person and im sure your EX is kicking their ass for letting u go! Im sure your Ex partner is hurting as well. I wish u all the best! MUCHO LUVA

[Denneille]

Ok seriously...its 2009..y am i just finding this site??? Anyway...all of wat u sed is still relevant and I am internalizing the points u made about working on self. I talk to my ex everyday bcuz we have a child but I still harbour evil thoughts bcuz he is wit the girl he cheated on me with..so I ma still pissed but i am working on letting go.

Bless up my brother for the insight