Have you ever had to watch one of your close friends date someone you knew was bad for them... but tried to be supportive because they were 'in love' with this person? I have been trying... and trying to be supportive for the past year of one of my female friends relationships... but I just can't do it anymore.
From the moment they met a year ago, they have not gone through a single solitary week without a ridiculous dramatic screaming match argument. For real, they can't go 7 days without yelling and screaming like they are on Jerry Springer... WHAT THE FUKK ARE YOU ARGUING ABOUT IN THE FIRST WEEK? WHY ARE YOU STILL DATING IF YOU FIGHT LIKE THAT THE FIRST WEEK? They argue about everything from serious stuff to chicken... no, really, one fight was literally about chicken.
But for some odd reason, she pursued a relationship with this dude. A couple of months later... she moves out of state to be with this dude. No job, no apartment... goes and lives with this dude she can't get through a week without screaming at. No, really. I didn't get it either. I advised her against it. I said just get a job first... get your own place... date for a minute. What's the rush? But, she did it anyway.
As the months pass, the fights continue... she is kicked out a few times, because after all, it was HIS place, not hers or theirs. One time it was so extreme she called one of our mutual friends to come get her because she was locked out and walking in the pouring rain with no where to go. And despite all this... I tried to be supportive. When she called I would try to be impartial. Its her life, she has to make her own conclusions. So I never pushed for her to leave him or interfered with their relationship at all.
She was told that she could not be friends with any of her exes, two of which are our close friends. She complied, and called and told both that she was in a relationship and can't talk or associate with them anymore... then dude got upset with her and told her that she wasn't supposed to call them... she was supposed to just ignore them and not talk to them at all. So despite her compliance and cutting off good friends, the manner in which she did it was still wrong, so it STILL led to an argument.
I get semi-monthly calls to say 'it's over'... some of them tearful... some are mid argument and I can hear dude in the background screaming at her, and her screaming back at him in my ear... and now I am to the point where, I know that no matter what I say, or how upset she is, that after a few hours and her blood cools, she will go back and try to work it out. So... we kinda have a routine. She calls upset talking about its over, dude comes up screaming... I say, why don't you handle that there and call me later... usually I don't hear anything from her for days and I have to call and check on her. And she is like... oh yeah, I am good, and explains that they worked it out and how their problem is communication, or miscommunication... or how they have come to some new understanding... or how they are going to get counseling... or how they are only going to send each other text messages when they are upset so that the arguments don't escalate into screaming matches... there is always some new fandangled approach. (Does this sound ludicrous to any of you too?)
If you have been married 35 years... ok... I would get it. Do what you need to do to stay together. You have a serious time investment. But... after barely a year, when you were fighting like this from the jump? FIGHTING IS THE RELATIONSHIP! What are you fighting to save?
And when I tell ya'll... this is only the surface shyt... I am not even getting into some other shyt that makes my blood boil. Before ya'll ask, no she has never been beaten... so while this seems so battered wife syndrome... she is not battered. (altho abuse can be mental, and that is definitely the case here...)
During the past 8 months she has been living with him, she got a new great job. And just this month, they moved into a new apartment with BOTH of them on the lease... The last time I was with them, an argument broke out and she ended up crying herself to sleep in the living room with us, while he slept soundly in the master suite. Well... at least she wasn't outside in the rain.
I don't want my friend to feel like she can't come to me. But at this point... I can't fake supportive anymore. It's like watching a friend get hit by a train in slow motion. You see her on the track, and you see the train coming... but despite your screaming and yelling, she doesn't move. Until she realizes her own value and self worth, the train doesn't exist to her. She will not see the train.
I can only pray that she will come to her senses... and see it before it's too late.
You know you seem like a really kind hearted person-and a really good friend! I hope you are still working out -to release some of this stress - anyhow sometimes i wonder how we attract the people we call "friends" that always stress you out-oh the many uses for a time machine! lol!
Posted by: mz ann | January 30, 2009 at 02:43 PM